A Memory Is A Terrible Thing to Lose

I am really impressed by Cory's first blog. He tells an incredible story. By the way, "incredible" has a definition of "not reliable; not to be believed." Sadly, that summarizes Cory's blog. It is true that I have committed to the stupid plans described by Mr. Brundage, but any of his suggestions that "we" had these ideas is the product of a troubled, deluded memory. (Lest you think I am exaggerating Cory's delusional behavior, the picture below is just one of many examples of his tendency to wander aimlessly toward certain death.)

Let me tell you what really happened.

Starting at the beginning, this is all Cory's fault. If he had had the good sense to remain the pathetic invalid I had come to expect, none of this would be happening. You see, after running 6 marathons in 25 months in the mid-90's, including a 3:00:08 marathon in Ohio and two Boston Marathons, our Mr. Brundage had spent the next 12 years finding ever-increasingly-unlikely ways to injure himself. So when he came up with the idea of running the 2008 Boston Marathon at age 60, I thought it was "cute." Like when a little boy tells you he's going to be a pirate when he grows up. (Or, in my case, when my little girl decided that she was going to be a pirate when she grew up.) You know it's not going to happen, but you play along. "Great idea, sweetheart. You'll be the best pirate ever!" So, thoughtlessly, I encouraged Cory in what I thought was a harmless delusion. If only I had seen where it was heading . . .

Well, Cory seemed to be living up to my expectations. As Exhibit A for the Buddhist belief that "Life is Suffering" he managed to hurt himself 8 weeks before the 2007 New York City Marathon (his intended qualifying marathon for Boston) and couldn't run more than 6 miles at a time. So surely that was the end of this story.

Certainly, if there were any justice in this world it would have been. But I am convinced that Mr. Brundage has opted to avoid justice through some despicable alliance with Satan, because he not only finished the marathon, but qualified for Boston with 5 minutes to spare.

So on to Boston in 2008, where Cory ran 26 minutes faster than his New York City time, finishing 31st in his age group. He followed that up at the Fargo Marathon this year with what he called "a good time." Yeah, and Angelina Jolie is okay to look at. What he actually did was to win his age group and run the fastest age-adjusted marathon of his life--an age-adjusted 2:40 marathon. So, yes, I am now sure that ownership to Cory's soul is now held by the Dark One. Still, if I could be as fast as him, . . .

Anyway, that should be the end of this woeful tale. Cory comes back from years of degeneracy and disgusting excess to prevail over all others. If he had any grasp on reality, he would have realized that he had succeeded beyond anything he could have hoped for, and committed to spending the rest of his days boring all those around him with the story of his triumphs at New York, Boston and Fargo. Why, instead, he came up with the insanity which he refers to as "The Plan," I can't explain. You have already read his description of that lunacy, and have no doubt said to yourself, "Could these guys be any more nuts?" To which I'd have to respond, "No, not really." Of all the stupid things I have ever done, The Plan is the Sir Isaac Newton of stupid ideas. It does, in fact, stand on the shoulders of the Giants of Stupidity.

So, what is my message to you, the reader? Simply this. No matter how many bad choices you have made in your life, Cory's and my pursuit of The Plan will convince you that you could have done worse. Welcome to our Ill-Advised Adventure.