Whining into Race Shape

Cory has reported "the facts, ma'am, just the facts" of our exploration of the race course, in a manner that would make Jack Webb proud. (However, unlike Jack Webb, it is possible that Cory could provide a rendition of "Try A Little Tenderness" that would not make you Try A Little Neuro-Toxin.) [Before you accuse me of slandering Jack Webb's memory, go on the internet at http://www.bomb-mp3.com/index.php?search=try+a+little+tenderness+jack+lemmon and give Jack's version a listen. There are some things even the First Amendment shouldn't protect.]

Anyway, now let me give you my perspective on the weekend's benefits. First of all, I learned that there is an official highway sign that contains the information: "CAUTION. WATCH OUT FOR D.U.I. DRIVERS." I saw it beside the road in western Maryland. It was right after I passed "Scott's Pizzaria", which struck me as two words I would not normally associate with each other. Truly, travel broadens one's horizons.


The biggest benefit of the trip, though, was to help me whip my whining skills into race shape. Luckily, I was able to get a great workout of complaining in on Saturday. "The weather's too hot!" "These rocks are too hard!" "This hill is too steep!" "This trail is too bumpy!" "This is hard work!" "I'm tired!" "I'm bored!" "My feet hurt!" "My knees hurt!" "I'm not having any fun at all!" All useable complaints for the 10+ hours of running, walking, crawling and/or whimpering I expect to be doing on race day. My physical stamina may fade during the course of the race, but--thanks to my first-rate training regimen--my mental attitude will be as stoutly negative at the last step as at the first one.

Thanks to this training, if I complete the JFK 50 Miler on November 20th, I will know in my brainwashed brain that I have achieved a super-human accomplishment, that no person in all of history and pre-history has ever suffered one-tenth as much as me, that at a minimum I deserve sainthood for what I have endured. It is only my modesty that keeps me from pointing out that I truly am the greatest human being of all time.