Difficult, Unpleasant and Unpopular

Cory and I have been considering the alternatives for which route to take up Mount Kilimanjaro.  There is the Marangu Route, also known as the "Coca-Cola Route", because it was considered the easiest route and attracted most of the garishly-clad, seriously pudgy, spoiled and pampered hikers.  (Or, as they are also known--"Americans").

Of course, as the word leaked out that the locals considered Marangu to be the "Coca-Cola Route", spoiled and pampered hikers began demanding that they be taken up a different route because--in their minds, they were all reincarnations of Ernest Hemingway.

And even though the guides and porters knew that these people called "Americans" were completely delusional about their ability to do anything strenuous, they also had learned that these "Americans", while grotesquely overweight by Tanzanian standards, and totally unable to carry one-tenth of their own gear, did have one remarkable area of fitness--they could, and did, carry large amounts of American dollars in their pockets.

So, the Tanzanian Park Service took a second, seldom used route up the mountain and spiffed it up (and if you think "spiff" has something to do with getting mellow--shame on you) and gave it the nickname "The Whiskey Route."  Very Hemingwayesque, don't you think?  This route, officially the Machame Route, is actually very similar in length and difficulty to the Marangu Route, but it has that wonderful, macho name.  And now, it is the most popular route on the mountain.

Now, Cory and I have no wish to pass for modern-day Hemingways.  For one thing, our definition of toughness is not based on engaging in fisticuffs with poet and insurance executive Wallace Stevens.  (It really happened--you can look it up.)  Not that some poets, and probably all insurance executives, don't merit a couple of jabs to the face, but what genuinely tough guy would bother with such puny targets?

However, the idea of hiking up Mount Kilimanjaro surrounded by the peace, solitude and beauty of a Wal-Mart aisle, goes against our basic anti-social animus.  What does appeal to us is the Umbwe Route.  It is described as unremittingly steep and hard.  Or, as Cory described it, "difficult, unpleasant and unpopular."  Though, as I reflect back on that conversation, I think he may have been referring to me rather than the Umbwe Route.

In any event, whereas both the Marangu Route and the Machame Route had over 15,000 climbers apiece the latest year for which I could find statistics, the Umbwe Route had 156 climbers for the entire year.  Of course, that does mean that if our guide and porters decide to kill us and throw our broken bodies into the jungle, no one will know.  And considering our anti-social animus, they would be entirely justified in doing so.  However, I suspect that our obvious insanity will save us this time, as it has done so many times in the past.  And, of course, we will augment our insanity with garish clothing.

A Picaresque Tale

This past week, I began reading "The Adventures of Peregrine Pickle", an eighteenth century novel by Tobias Smollett, and one of the archetypal picaresque tales.  "What is a picaresque tale?" you might ask, assuming you are locked in a sensory-deprivation chamber and desperate for stimulation.  Well, I'm glad you asked.  It is a story focused on the adventures of a roguish hero (or anti-hero) as he lives by his wits in a corrupt society, characterized by satire and a lack of moral redemption of the scoundrel hero.  In other words, it is Cory Brundage's biography.

(For those of you who believe that this is a world in which virtue is rewarded and wickedness is punished, that everything happens for a reason, and that the universe is unfolding as it should, I hope that the image you have just seen doesn't scar you for life.)

It does strike me that I may be following in Cory's footsteps in this regard.  I certainly find myself routinely following in his running footsteps, since he actually is a superior runner and athlete, so it would make sense that I would be following in his footsteps in a metaphysical sense, too--except that would mean that the universe operates in a rational manner, which Cory's very existence disproves.  Hmmm, quite the mental enigma.

Anyway, one of the standard features of the picaresque novel is that the knave at the center of the story does not deign to hold a job.  Well, that fits me perfectly, as I am a college teacher.  And,  because I am not gainfully employed, I get to have the kinds of wild adventures that others only dream of--starting with reading 700 page 18th century novels.

 And--of course--there are the wild adventures of running those many miles.  Why, just last Sunday, as Cory and I were running our cosmically required 20 miles [see prior posting], we passed two people running in the other direction.  Well, "people" may not be the right term.  One of them was clearly a moving cadaver.  On the one hand, it was a disturbing sight.  On the other hand, forewarned is forearmed.  Now that we know that there is a zombie mutation that can move at more than a stagger, we can fine tune our training to be able to outrun this new "super-zombie."  And I trust that you, the faithful readers of this blog, will do likewise.  As for those poor souls who are not following these ill-advised adventures   .   .   .   well   .   .   .   somebody has to be zombie food.

It's good to know that no one will ever say that about anyone who follows the picaresque sagas of Cory and Jim.

 

A CASE OF OLD AGE

As my last post indicated, I am learning the rudiments of Swahili so that I can run my criminal enterprise and embarrass my friends while I'm in Tanzania.  My language book has little dialogues at the beginning of each chapter, followed by vocabulary, grammar, etc. (pretty standard).  I'm only on the ninth chapter and I know I won't make it all the way through (26 chapters), so last night, I flipped through the later chapters out of curiosity as to what I won't get to.

Was I ever surprised when I came across a chapter entitled (translation) "On the Mountain: What's the Matter?"  Its introductory dialogue was set on the upper slopes of Mount Kilimanjaro, with the conversation taking place between a guide and the tourists who are climbing the mountain.  And things aren't going so well!

The guide notices that most of the group have stopped following him and that, in particular, Paul is not making any progress.  He goes back and the other members of the group are eager to tell him had bad Paul is doing: "Paul can't do it!"  "Paul's head is hurting.  And he's nauseous!"  "His hands are swollen!"  [This is the actual dialogue in the book.  Really reassuring for me as I imagine actually being where this dialogue is set.]

Then Paul tries to laugh it off, saying, "It's just a case of old age!"  The dialogue continues, identifying Paul as being 40 years of age.  And I'm muttering, "Old age?  Well, f**k you very much, Paul."  [Yeah, I know--when you start cursing at characters in a book for their comments, you maybe need to get out more.]

The good part, though, is that then the guide tells Paul, "Ugonjwa huu huahusu umri hata kidogo."  ("This illness has nothing to do with age.")   So now I know that age is in no way an impediment to a successful submitting of Mount Kilimanjaro.  Now, I've seen some postings on the internet that suggest otherwise, but, really, how can you trust anything you see on the internet?  Medical advice given by a fictional character in a language instruction book, on the other hand  .   .   .  Rock solid.

In the meantime, Cory and I are getting ready for a half marathon in 3 weeks and the Boston Marathon in 6 weeks.  We ran 20 miles today--our seventh Sunday in a row with a run of 20 miles.  As we have agreed, this is our personal "Groundhog Day"--like Bill Murray's character in that movie, we are stuck repeating our 20 mile run each Sunday until we get it right.  The only difference is that Bill Murray's character ended up using the repeated day for self-examination and personal growth.  Pfutt!  We'll never fall into that trap!  If we start fixing our flaws, we'll never have time for anything else!