Difficult, Unpleasant and Unpopular

Cory and I have been considering the alternatives for which route to take up Mount Kilimanjaro.  There is the Marangu Route, also known as the "Coca-Cola Route", because it was considered the easiest route and attracted most of the garishly-clad, seriously pudgy, spoiled and pampered hikers.  (Or, as they are also known--"Americans").

Of course, as the word leaked out that the locals considered Marangu to be the "Coca-Cola Route", spoiled and pampered hikers began demanding that they be taken up a different route because--in their minds, they were all reincarnations of Ernest Hemingway.

And even though the guides and porters knew that these people called "Americans" were completely delusional about their ability to do anything strenuous, they also had learned that these "Americans", while grotesquely overweight by Tanzanian standards, and totally unable to carry one-tenth of their own gear, did have one remarkable area of fitness--they could, and did, carry large amounts of American dollars in their pockets.

So, the Tanzanian Park Service took a second, seldom used route up the mountain and spiffed it up (and if you think "spiff" has something to do with getting mellow--shame on you) and gave it the nickname "The Whiskey Route."  Very Hemingwayesque, don't you think?  This route, officially the Machame Route, is actually very similar in length and difficulty to the Marangu Route, but it has that wonderful, macho name.  And now, it is the most popular route on the mountain.

Now, Cory and I have no wish to pass for modern-day Hemingways.  For one thing, our definition of toughness is not based on engaging in fisticuffs with poet and insurance executive Wallace Stevens.  (It really happened--you can look it up.)  Not that some poets, and probably all insurance executives, don't merit a couple of jabs to the face, but what genuinely tough guy would bother with such puny targets?

However, the idea of hiking up Mount Kilimanjaro surrounded by the peace, solitude and beauty of a Wal-Mart aisle, goes against our basic anti-social animus.  What does appeal to us is the Umbwe Route.  It is described as unremittingly steep and hard.  Or, as Cory described it, "difficult, unpleasant and unpopular."  Though, as I reflect back on that conversation, I think he may have been referring to me rather than the Umbwe Route.

In any event, whereas both the Marangu Route and the Machame Route had over 15,000 climbers apiece the latest year for which I could find statistics, the Umbwe Route had 156 climbers for the entire year.  Of course, that does mean that if our guide and porters decide to kill us and throw our broken bodies into the jungle, no one will know.  And considering our anti-social animus, they would be entirely justified in doing so.  However, I suspect that our obvious insanity will save us this time, as it has done so many times in the past.  And, of course, we will augment our insanity with garish clothing.