All Cory's Fault

Ouch! Dang it! Scheisse! I am sore! And tired! And rundown! And I blame it all on Cory Brundage. He's such a damn good example. He tries to pass himself off as a cautionary tale of how to misspend your life, but it's all bluster and facade. In fact, he's the most annoying of all friends, the good example.

So how exactly is my pathetic condition his fault? Isn't it obvious? He went out and trained hard and ran hard and did really well at the JFK. So well that he's still recovering from all his efforts. As for me, well, we know about me, Mr. Phone-It-In.

Sadly for me, in a moment of moral clarity I realized that I should be more diligent, more industrious, more given to hard work and sacrifice. In sum, more like Cory Brundage. So I signed up for the HUFF 50 (aka the Huntington Ultra Frigid Fifty), a 50 kilometer trail race through the woods around a lake near Huntington, Indiana. It was held yesterday, with an inch of snow on the ground and a starting temperature of 8 degrees. And now I realize something really, really important--when moral clarity comes calling, I need to pretend I'm not home.

I ran two of the three laps of the race--about 21 miles--and stopped because--believe it or not--I wasn't having much fun at all. Even cleverly reminding myself that "the woods are lovely dark and deep/But I have promises to keep/And miles to go before I sleep/And miles to go before I sleep" ceased to be amusing long before I ceased to be running. And now my legs ache, my knees have swollen up, my quadriceps hurt when I go down stairs, and my energy level is where it would be if I'd been desanguinated by a vampire, only without any of the intriguing psycho-sexual overtones. And it's all Cory's fault.

But I have a plan! A most excellent plan! If I get the urge to run, I'll put my running shoes and socks on, limber up, and collapse on the bed.

That way, cold toes won't wake me from my nap.

I haven't given this plan any thought, since that would require effort, but I'm sure it's foolproof. I'll take a nap every day. And who else takes naps every day? Why children take naps every day! And what do we know about children? We know that they are young! And what else do we know about children? We know that they are full of energy! And what else do we know about children? We know that when they do really dumb things, everybody thinks it's cute! So how can there be any doubt that my plan will make me young, energetic and cute? Watch out, Justin! You're about to be Biebered!

What can I say? Other than

2011 IS GOING TO BE AN INTERESTING YEAR!